i dont know what’s been going on with me lately. I’ve been so unhappy with myself. It’s gotten to the point where i want to cut again. I want to pull out all my hair, punch myself in the face, if i probably saw myself walking down the street, id want to beat me up. its like that. I havent felt good about myself in a really long time. I havent had any confidence. I look at every single girl and i wish i was them. It affects how i am with people, it affects how i am in my relationship. &its not making that any better because he’ll never understand how i’m feeling about this.. gash, i feel like im going through too much. I’m graduating from school soon, my faith is on a thread, My relationship is so monotonous, for the longest time ive been feeling like i wasnt even in a relationship, and because im so insecure i cant give my all to him. i’m insecure to a level where i cant even control myself right now. Idk what’s going on but, i need help.
After learning about a few things in psychology, i do believe that i have a disorder. some anxiety disorder. or at some obsessive disorder… if i were to just let everything out right now, this is what i would say. I cant let it go. it’s always in the back of my mind. I cant help but think that theres still things that youre not telling me. you yelled saying “WHY WOULD I HIDE ANYTHING FROM YOU.” that was before i found the picture in your phone. that was before i found out you two webcammed. that was before i knew that you two spent ours talking after i fell asleep. where this whole time i thought you were doing homework, and i had no idea. This was before i knew that you two spent your days talking to eachother. this was before i knew that you two talked on the phone together. Honestly, i dont know how you expect how that makes me feel. It makes me feel pathetic. i admit that i do have trust issues because of this. how can i trust you when you cant even be honest with me? If you cant even TELL me then dont DO it. if you cant TELL me then that means you KNOW its gonna hurt me. Not because you know im gonna get mad, but because you know its gonna hurt me. Just put yourself in my shoes right now. What would you do if you decided to sleep, and we say our goodnights. i decide to stay awake to “do my homework” but instead, i ask some guy to webcam with me at fucking 1 o clock in the morning, talking about how special our friendship is. The fact that it was so special that you had to take a picture of it, makes me feel pathetic. When was the last time you ever took a picture of something i said to you? how is that supposed to make me feel, that another girl is able to say something that is so special to you, that you have to take a picture of it. and am i honestly suppoesd to believe that you dont REMEMBER what it said? that you cant TELL me? if it was so special that you had to take a picture of it, im sure it was special enough to at least REMEMBER. i keep finding NEW things out after all the many freaking times we talked about this. that just keeps leaving me to think that theres still things youre not telling me. Yeah, ilooked at your twitter . how you favorite all her freakin shit. talking about “ohohhhh had a good day talking to DARYL all day!” wtf. and that was during a time when i couldnt even get a fucking minute out of you, but she got so much time from you. LOL, i saw how you commented her, “Dang girl, look at your profile pic tho!” wtf is that? & not even just HER you GAVE your NUMBER to some random ass freaking chick that ive never even heard of! because of all this i have trust issues, and i feel like i cant give my all to you like i used to because i feel like your all is just given to everyone else. how am i supposed to feel special when theres other girls that you act the same with. for the longest time i stayed up at night as late i could just so i know that youre going to sleep with me, and not her. everytime i tell you to think of me throughout the day, its because it means that i dont want you doing anything that will hurt me. i get scared everytime i see you texting someone, i get scared everytime youre on the phone. i get scared when youre at school, i get scared when you go out. I hated when i saw you smile at her texts, and now im paranoid. I wish you were more honest with me. i dont get iffy feelings about every girl youre friends with. Just this one. &my instincts were right from the get go. i wonder what else im right about that youre not telling me. and all i can do is deal with this shit, while i try to bring it up, and you get so freaking defensive. why cant you just be straight up with me and answer my questions. whenever you have questions I ANSWER THEM WITHOUT HESITATION. is you not answering supposed to make me feel less insecure? well haha youre wrong it makes me feel more suspicious. I hate youre guyses friendship. i hate it. im your freaking girlfriend. if you need someone to talk to im freaking here. gosh i feel so pathetic. im your pathetic girlfriend whos boyfriend needs to go to someone else to talk about feelings. &thats all ill ever see myself as. &when im hurting i wont get half of the support and comfort that youve given to her. fuck her. I honeslty hate this whole thing. theres times when im not thinking about it, but when i do im in a rage. theres still things youre not telling me and i know it. &theres still so much i want to say.
To him:
________ is a one in a million typa guy. I thank God for bringing him into my life, he really is the greatest boy i know (: I tell this guy everything. He knows more about me, then anyone else i know. real talk! He makes me happy even when he doesn’t try to. It’s just his presence. I could also talk to this guy for hours and we’ll always have something to talk about. he really knows how to keep a conversation. He’s also good at listening, cos he actually cares. I remember one time, I was having problems with this dude., & _____ was the first one I called, cos i know he’ll cheer me up (: hmm, Oh! and sometimes when i’m on my period, he likes to make me mad. I’m hella bipolar, so I get moody with him. Haha, and i’m always so mean to him! idk how he can tolerate me, i even made him cry! LOL, but Like, he never complains! We’re always okay the next day tho (:
Man, its kinda sad because i’ve only seen _____ like 6 times in my life. ): cos he LIVES SO DAMN FAR! but, even though i haven’t seen this guy a lot, i’ve like watched him grow. Haha, honestly, i thought he was a dork. I thought that when he would enter high school, he wouldnt have any friends. Now look at him. He’s a fucking millie, has plenty of friends, does stupid shit, and is getting some. LOL!
hmm, Other than my dad, or maybe my future husband, _____ will always be like, the best man in my life. I can’t ever think of letting this guy walk out of my life. I always tell him that he’s gonna get sick of me one day, he probably will, but it’s okay. even if he does, I’ll still be able to say that I got to experience having a really good person in my life. haha, but yeah, i absolutley love this boy with all my heart, and he’ll always have a special place in there
To me:
This is Maricre’s bestest friend/LOVER. which is _____ Fucking Carl-KFC. If you people didn’t know, i’ve met her at….somewhere early June last yearrr and she was the one who made my SUMMER the BEST (: It started when I met her from a friend and when Katherine left, thiss gurl hanged out wit me and some other heaads. When she left, we gave each other’s numbas and went our separate waays. And this relationship started riight when I texted her, then we were basically talking to each other for the whole summer. We told people we werecousins because of that one first dayy I hunged ouut wit her. We were waalking andd sht and there was dis guy who was obsessed wit MARICRESS *ahem*sluut*ahem* and was the jealous type so she had to say I was her cousin and she jus told me to play alooong. So there you have it, we’re not really coousins!! (: Okaaay Nooow, Thisss Gurrl is like, one of the besstest people i’ve ever met in my lifee. Like seriously, she always tells me the truth andd shed always be there for me to make my daay. It’s like basically, we look out for each other even tho we only met, 6 times. The reason is because there’s always thiings that are in our way that we have to get ridd of. She thinks that we’re just not meant to be to see each other. WELLLLL I fucking think otherwise (: ANYWAYYS thiiss guurll, thiiss gurll, is one of the besst things that ever happened in my life and she is one of the coolest people i can jus chill wit day after day. If you guys don’t think sooo, theen fuuuck offf! I can never stop thinkin shes so cool to me because we can never stop talking and it’s always the nonsence crap. Like, shes the most i’ve ever been on the phoone wit and it was like 15 hours and 36 minutesss. and she was suprised that she never hanged out or got tired off me. I feel so fucking special!!!! :D Oh, Ohh!! and diis gurl supposeively made me cry a few times but i don give a shiiiitt. shes still awsome. she would never lie to me, she would jus tell me shit straight up even though it hurts my feelings but i like those kinds of people because they’re not bein helluh shady and shit and jus lie to you. its better to listen to the truth and get butt hurt instead of hear the lie, find out the truth, and get even more butt hurt. (: i think i wrote that right…HAHAHAHA So yea, bascially, shes just the one of the best peopless, i sweaaar. jusst go meet herrr and hit her upp!! Okaay nikkuh im outt. LAAATE<3
Why is it so hard to let things go? One minute, you feel so sure that you’re over and done with the situation. the next minute, it drives you crazy.
I wanna talk to you. Not out of anger, out of desperation. I feel like the only way i can fully let this go is if i talk to you, and if we just hear each other out. its so stupid but it kills me. I know theres a reason why God keeps putting you back into my life. The more i tried to push you out, the closer you get. &here you are now. We’ll see what happens.
& dear you, I’m not doing this because i dont trust you. my thoughts are honestly not even about that anymore. its the fact that i dont want ill will with anyone anymore. I want to know in my heart that everythign is gonna be okay, and nothiing is gonna happen. am i insecure? hell yeah. but ill always be. but this is the biggest bump ive ever gone over… but im not even fully over it yet. i just need you.
the more and more i’m on tumblr, I get more and more insecure. i feel so cliche for writing about this but its true. there’s so many pretty girls on here, and it just makes me think about what you see and like on here. i’m obviously not that and i wish i was. I wish i can control what tempts you but i can’t and it sucks. But then again, it goes for the real world not just tumblr. I don’t want you looking at other girls but i cant control that. =/
Like i said, I’ve accepted it, and i’m doing my best in moving on. There’s still some things that I don’t understand about all this, but i’ve moved past it and i know that i will hold on really tight to what you tell me. but for now, I think i can say that my battle is finally over.
hey. please don’t take him away from me.. i don’t know what went on between the two of you. frankly speaking i don’t want to know, but i always find out everything in the end.. anyway. please? don’t. you don’t know what i’ve been through and what i’ve done just go be where i am right now. you don’t know how broken i am till this day,. don’t be the person that you hate.
“ever seen those post? she might have better qualities babe, yet he choses you ? i think you really need to keep that in ur mind hun. there’ll be who you think is better? but honestly babe, I’ve been with you for 2 years now and my heart has completely united as one with yours babe. its like my heart is married to yours alreayd. you see with married couples when they get old, ofcourse they’ll find someone younger and nicer and more prettier, but do they leave their partner for taht? no ? bcuz they have that love for each other ? ours is almost like that babe. my heart is chained closely to yours”
i keep this close to my heart.
but for the record, I’ve never found anyone that I thought was better than you. ever.
its funny how we strive so hard to get something that we want; be it a material item, a person, a feeling, answers… Haha, then when you finally get it, it’s either not what you expected, or you just don’t want it anymore.
In my case, it was both.
I always told myself that it’s better to know. Haha, but they really mean it when they say that, truth hurts. Haha, I’ll admit, my pride has been shattered, but that won’t bring me down. Though the way I feel will not change, Happy is what I want you to be, so I won’t be in the way of it.
But, I guess now that everything has been said and done, there’s nothing left to say. Tomorrow will be a new day.
(:
for the birds.
